Kennedizine

KENNEDIZINE™
Extended-Release Controversy

60 countt | Unscented | Leak-Proof | Printed on the Inside

Formulated for the marginalized healthcare worker. Prescribed by the scientific community. Trusted by dog owners who've simply had enough.

Clinically proven* to provide instant relief when applied directly to the waste generated by our nation's top health official, or in more routine cases, your dog.

Ask your vet if Kennedizine is right for your pet's waste management needs. Side effects, interactions, and warnings available via peel-and-reveal label. Not affiliated with, endorsed by, or approved by any federal agency.

*Not clinically proven. It's a dog poop bag.

Known side effects and documented behavior

• As Health and Human Services Secretary, RFK Jr. dramatically restructured the Food and Drug Administration, Centers for Disease Control, National Institutes of Health, and EPA, simultaneously, causing mass staff departures and resulting in the loss of more than 25% of PhD scientists. (Science, Jan. 26, 2025)
• Made headlines by admitting to having snorted cocaine off toilet seats during his struggle with addiction, expressing that he is no longer afraid of germs. (This Past Weekend with Theo Von — 639)
• Stated that a parasitic worm “ate a portion of my brain,” and then died. Court documents confirm this claim. (NYT, May 2024; incident ~2010; CNN/PBS, revealed in 2012 divorce deposition)
• Ran for President as a Democrat, then an Independent, and then endorsed Trump for president — all within 12 months. (2023–2024)
• Claimed the measles vaccine is more dangerous than the measles virus while the U.S. experienced the highest case count in over 30 years. (2025)
• Suggested COVID-19 was “ethnically targeted” to spare Jewish and Chinese people. He, however, walked back the claim amid broad criticism. (NY Post/Washington Post, July 2023)

Specifications

• Plant-based. PBAT + PLA + corn starch. Compostable in 90 days (industrial, ASTM D6400).
• Leak-proof. 18-micron plant-based film (PSM), leak-tested 3×.
• Generous size. 9″×13″ — large enough to cover your hand for sanitary cleanup.
• 60 bags per box on 4 rolls of 15. EZ Tear System.
• Responsibly made. BSCI-certified facility. Non-toxic water-based ink. Packaging made of recycled materials.

Resistant to water, dictators, fascists, tech bros, and oligarchs.

Helps make the world less shitty.